


On my way home

by Miralana



Series: This is where I belong [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alpha Steve Rogers, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes needs a break, M/M, Manipulation, Memory Loss, Mental Instability, Not Beta Read, Omega Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, he'll get one soon enough don't worry, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1908132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miralana/pseuds/Miralana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of his reunion with Steve, Bucky Barnes not only needs to remember his past but also has to find what's left of himself under 70 years of brainwashing and abuse.<br/>But becoming himself again shouldn’t mean breaking down everything he thinks he knows, shouldn’t it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the Hours of Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> I know said I wouldn’t write more for this. Well, now I have a multi-chaptered follow up, a prequel in the works AND probably another part in which I can finally write some god damn porn.

_Week 1, Day 1_

He wakes and he feels horrible. No that isn’t right. He feels uncomfortable and there is something missing, but horrible he believes that horrible isn’t the word he should use.

He opens his eyes and takes in his surroundings – _same room as before, mattress on the ground, padding on the walls_ – and tries to find out what made this emotion appear, but nothing has changed in the room since he fell asleep – _the last night, he’s went to sleep last night here_ – and there is a blanket draped over him.

It’s his body that feels uncomfortable, his lower belly which is aching and his throat which feels too dry, to be normal.

There is a bottle standing next to the mattress and he picks it up to inspect it closely. It’s still sealed, no sign that it has ever been open, so he feels more or less safe to try and calm his hurting throat with it. He remembers how to drink, even if he doesn’t remembers putting anything nourishing in his body. A picture rises before his eye, of a tube inserted into his nose and he blinks to push it away. It doesn’t feel good and he doesn’t want to remember it, so he just puts the bottle to his lips and drinks it – _he only realises how easy it was to push the memory away after he did it_.

He has to put it away one or two times but he’s so thirsty that he drinks the whole thing.

That out of the way, he tries to focus on the other feeling. The feeling of _something_ missing.

He blinks and then he turns his head around – _fast enough to make his neck ache_ – and the place on the mattress where the man – _Steve_ – had been sleeping or lying beside him is empty.

He doesn’t think that’s a good thing. Steve should be here. Why would he leave if he spent the night next to him? In his mind it doesn’t make sense but at the same time he doesn’t know why Steve not being here puts him off, makes him feel … he can’t name the feeling, he just knows that he wants to put his arms around himself so tight, that it hurts because the only thing that makes him feel remotely okay is pain and then the door opens, and he lets his arms sink because one of the first things that they told him here was that hurting himself is not an appropriate solution _and how does he remembers this now, when he hadn't even thought about it before?_

It’s Steve, carrying a tablet with something that smells like food on it and the smell makes him aware of how hungry he is.

Steve also carries his own smell with him and suddenly the feeling of something missing is gone and he can breathe freely.

“You okay?” Steve asks and he nods, because yes now he is definitely okay. There is a faint voice inside his head, telling him that his reaction isn’t probably right, that his mood shouldn’t change so drastically just because Steve is here or not, that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be, at least not at this level, but he ignores the feeling because there are a lot of things that are wrong with him, not just this.

“So I didn’t know if your food preferences are still the same, that’s why I brought a lot of everything, so try all of it. If you want.” Steve says, when he settles down with the tablet in front of him and he realises that the smell comes from the freshly baked croissant on of the plates. He thinks they made him kill someone in a bakery once, at least he remembers the fresh baked goods being splattered with blood. He doesn’t linger long enough on the memory to decide if he is disturbed by it or not but he thinks he doesn’t want the reddish jelly stuff on any of them.

“They’re hot.” Steve says when he reaches out for one of them and he looks him in the eye when he grabs it. He doesn’t care that it stings a bit in his flesh hand and just puts it in the metal one and Steve snorts.

He doesn’t know how exactly he should eat it, but he has the urgent need to just take a bite out of it and when he does he knows why, because he remembers now that hot croissant are something he really likes – _he remembers someone talking in French giving them out to him and Steve and a few other guys who are all dirty and injured and they’re all laughing and Steve looks different and he remembers himself grinning with his mouth full._

When he looks at Steve, Steve is smiling and he feels like everything will be alright.

 

_Week 1, Day 3_

He looks at the needle.

Then he looks at Steve.

Then at the needle.

And then back at Steve.

“No.” He says because no. He doesn’t want a needle, he doesn’t want anything in his system that will change anything in him again.

He doesn’t want this and he is not going to accept this.

“They’re just suppressions.” Steve says. Again. Like he hasn't said it five times already. Like it’s anything new.

But what if they are like the implant he had? What if they are going to make him lose his senses again? What if he is going to turn back into someone without any emotions again? _Wouldn’t that be so much easier?_ A voice says inside of him, but he shakes his head to get it out of him and tries to concentrate on the important thing again.

The suppressions.

Steve sighs, and then picks up a Laptop he had put on the floor before. He thinks he remembers computer. He thinks he had to use a computer before.

“Do you see the title of the medication on the bottle?” Steve asks and he looks down. The small glass vial is still sealed and yes he can see the extremely long name on it.

“So, you can just google it and read for yourself. I’m pretty sure they have a homepage where they list all the stuff that might happen when you take them.” Steve says and then he puts the laptop next to him. He blinks and Steve is about to reach out, but he quickly picks it up. He is not sure if he trusts whatever there might be on some homepage but this is more than what he ever got from someone else. At least more than he remembers ever getting from someone and that Steve gives this to him, _wants_ him to have these information that feels good.

“You just put the name in there.” Steve says and he does so. He adjusts his position on the ground because somehow he doesn’t want Steve to read what he is reading, even if Steve probably already knows what’s on there. He is also not sure if he actually knows how to read more than a few sentences and somehow he feels like it might be embarrassing for him.

His fingers feel clumsy when he puts the word in but _google_ is able to find the word he was looking for, even though he made a mistake.

He looks over the laptop, to where Steve is sitting on the ground a book in his hand and Steve immediately looks up, when he feels eyes on him.

“Need help?” He asks and he shakes his head and goes back to the monitor to start reading.

Out of the corner of his eyes he sees how Steve shrugs and goes back to reading his book, so skims through the history of the medicament – he’s really surprised that he actually doesn’t have any problems with reading it – and his eyes quickly find the word “side effects”.

There are _a lot_.

Probably more than there should be if he really should take it but he realises that the effects are actually not as bad as he thought them to be, when he realises that “changes in skin condition”, “possible weight gaining” and “headaches” are actually pretty harmless. There is nothing on smell changing or memory loss just a note underneath the list that these are “common known side effects of suppressions”.

He goes back to _google_ and types “common known side effects of suppressions” and gets a lot of hits.

He clicks on a few titles, reading how people are discussing the different effects of different medicament and he realises that it might be different from person to person.

“How do you know that this” He gestures to the vial. “Will be okay for my body?”

Steve looks up, surprise on his face and then he tilts his head a bit, like he is remembering something.

“You used to take them before.” Before. When they knew each other. When he could remember. When he hadn’t been hurt. “And the doctors looked at your test results, your hormone level, all that stuff, you know and they think that it’s still the best option.”

He nods and thinks about reading more but he doesn’t know if it will change anything, when Steve clears his throat.

“I don’t know if you’ve read that part but the one you’re gonna- the one I hope you’re gonna take is a mediocre one. It’ll last twelve weeks, then you’ll have to wait one week in which you’re probably gonna be in heat and then you’ll get the next shot. It also has a birth control part in it.”

He nods because he thinks he remembers this. There is some part of him that remembers taking something every few months.

“Why only three?” He asks, because this might be what he remembers. But he isn’t sure.

“You used to take the six-month thing during the war and no suppressions before because we couldn’t afford them, but it would probably fuck up your hormones too much.”

That makes sense. They talked about the same thing with his implant, he thinks.

“In a year, they could maybe put you back on the stronger ones, but this one is the safest method for you.” Safety. Of course. He thinks he trusts Steve, because that means feeling safe with him, doesn’t it and Steve is all about him feeling safe and him getting better.

But there is something there. Something… when he thinks about taking the medicament for a year or being put on stronger ones. He doesn’t know how to describe it, he just knows that it’s like when he was in heat, when he was yearning for something and it is low in his belly, like an ache. Like something that should be there but it isn’t.

Maybe he will ask _google_ , if Steve give him the laptop again.

If he’s able to name the feeling.

 

_Week 1, Day 6_

“It’s not right.” It’s the first thing he has said today and it’s about a stupid movie. Not that the movie is stupid but it’s different and he knows that it shouldn’t be like this.

“Yeah, they changed a bit when they made one novel into three movies.” Steve says and he looks at the end credits rolling over the screen of the laptop for moment because yes, that makes a lot of sense. It would have been illogical if the story ended with the dragon attacking the city.

“How do I know that?” He asks, even if he doesn’t like asking. It makes him feel stupid and Steve always gives of a hint of sadness. Shouldn’t Steve be happy that he remembers? Or is it because he only remembers parts of what was before? Maybe he should tell Steve everything he remembers, not just the stuff about him but he doesn’t like talking about the parts of his memories where Steve isn’t there because it’s confusing and hazy and he doesn’t know what he feels – _he thinks because he didn’t feel anything at the time_ – and there is so much pain. Knowing that would probably make Steve sadder and if Steve is sad, he doesn’t smells like it’s safe.

“You read the book during the war, when we had a little down time.” That makes sense, he thinks. He also feels angry because he should have known that. He remember being hungry and cold and Steve told him that they had been really poor so he wouldn’t have spent his money to buy a book.

“What else did I do, when I had time?” Curiosity is such a new feeling for him that he always feels awkward asking questions like this – he’d rather have the laptop again but so far Steve hasn’t given it to him and he doesn’t want to ask – but they always get answered and Steve seems to get really happy when he can end a sentence because he suddenly remembers. A lot more happy then when he remembers something but doesn’t know why or how.

“Uh well… you plaid card games with the others and shared story and um…” It looks like Steve is getting uncomfortable but his scent gets heavier, like a few days ago in that room.

“We also had a lot of sex.” Steve says and he looks pained. If his scent gets heavier, then why does it seems like he doesn’t likes thinking about having sex with him? Is that why he had not touched him? It’s a question he has been asking himself in quite moments when is alone and there is nothing else to do then to think but so far he hasn’t found an answer that he understands.

“Like last time?” Maybe the few memories he has of Steve and him are exceptions. Maybe that was normal. That doesn’t feel like a right answer too and he doesn’t know why.

“Oh no, you were on suppressions back then, like now. I think you only had about two heats during our time in the war.” Steve looks at him and maybe he is doing something with his face because a second later Steve is sighing.

“We did it right these times, or mostly. The first time was right after I rescued you from Hydra-“ And he remembers that one, thought about it during the last heat and the memory makes him smile.

“The second time was about two months before you … before you fell and we had problems getting your suppressions, so it was a bit … intense.”

The word intense seems to trigger something because he is thrown back on a bed, hands and knees again and he feels Steve’s finger on his abdomen. He thinks he remembers the _fullness, the one he craved so badly and the sound of skin slapping on skin fills his ears, nearly drowned out by his own rambling and he thinks he might be crying but it’s a good crying and Steve can’t stop talking too. It’s only when his own hand cups Steve’s on his abdomen and he’s balancing himself with one hand flesh hand and he’s begging for something, knowing that Steve wants this too, that he gets what he wants, when Steve presses him down on the mattress, buries his face in his neck and he finally gets what he wants, gets all the filling he needs-_

“Buck?”

Steve’s hand is at his face and he’s giving of a lot of distress.

“You okay? You zoned out for a moment.”

He doesn’t feel like he ‘zoned out for a moment’ he feels hot and it’s bothering him and he doesn’t know why he likes this memory because he was obviously uncomfortable in it.

“I remembered.”

“What, what did you remember?”

“What you were talking about.” He doesn’t know how to say it different. He thinks he might know the words but he still can’t string them together in the right way.

“Oh.” Steve’s face flushes again and he thinks he might be embarrassed.

“Good. I mean that’s good right? You remembering stuff like that.”

“What was I begging you for?” Somehow he has gotten the feeling that he never had to beg Steve for anything, especially not when it came to physical stuff.

“It was dirty talk, you trying to get me to … um you know do certain stuff to you…”

He draws his eyebrows together because even if Steve is telling the truth it feels like he is holding something back about that memory. It doesn’t make him feel unsafe because some part of him knows that Steve will explain this to him, just like he explained everything else in the last four days, but it still doesn’t sit right.

He’s still thinking about it, when Steve is leaving him two hours later to get new information from Stark for his first therapy session.

 

_Week 2, Day 2_

He doesn’t like his therapist. He doesn’t know why, because he seems like a nice guy and he is an omega too, but he doesn’t like him and he doesn’t like that he wants him to talk about his feelings.

It’s their third daily session and so far it hasn’t helped. He thinks it’s making it worse because he knows that he had a few really good days – the ones where he knows where he is and where he is able to remember stuff – and since he started seeing Dr. Bowen he has had two bad days – the ones where he has problems focussing, where he zones out and where he feels like he can’t even trust Steve (if he remembers what trust even is).

He learned all these words from Sam – _the man with the wings_ – who comes around with Steve sometimes since the therapy sessions started and who always reminds him that starting therapy is the best they can do for him when he’s asking why he has to go there. It’s only because Steve thinks it’s a good idea that he even listened to the man – _he doesn’t like how Steve and Sam are looking at each other, it’s not right, it’s too friendly, too warm, too trustful_.

So far it looks like today is going to be a bad day.

“James?” Dr. Bowen asks and he knows that he’s not saying his name for the first time but he can’t bring himself to think about his question, because why is it important to analyse how he felt at Hydra and how he feels here?

“James, please.” He says and he is forcing himself to shrug.

“I feel safe here.” He says because even if he doesn’t feel safe at the moment, he felt it before. He always feels safe around Steve.

“And I didn’t feel anything when I was with them… I think.” He ads because he thinks he didn’t feel anything but he isn’t sure. Maybe he felt something at some time during the 70 years, but he just doesn’t remember.

The psychiatrist writes something down and smiles at him again. He doesn’t like his smile, because it doesn’t reach his eyes. Why is he even trying to smile when he doesn’t mean it?

“Emotions are very complicated. It’s not uncommon that you are not sure how to name them.” The doctor says and he nods because he doesn’t know what else to do.

“Do you think you liked it better when you didn’t feel anything?”

He blinks and tries to adjust his position on the chair he is sitting on – not so easy because his arm is chained down.

“Let me clarify.” He offers, smiling the fake smile again. “Emotions are often exhausting and sometimes they can confuse you. Do you think going around, living your life was easier when you didn’t feel them? When you didn’t have to think about feeling anything?”

He wants to say something. He wants to tell him that he had not been himself back then, that he never had a choice in feeling, that it wasn’t like he just turned his feelings off, that it was _taken_ from him – _something he learned from Sam and Steve, he doesn’t think that he would have come to such a harsh conclusion considering his handlers himself, because sometimes they had been nice, he thinks, sometimes they hadn’t hurt him and that had been a good thing_ – but he doesn’t tell that to Dr. Bowen, he just continues to be silent, until he sighs and puts his glasses down.

“Why don’t you think about it and you can tell me your answer the next times, or the times afterwards. When you’re ready.”

He nods and a minutes later he is out of the door and Steve is smiling at him – _a real smile that reaches his eyes_ –, asking him how it went. He can just shrug because he doesn’t know what to say and Steve stops smiling and pats him softy on the back.

He thinks about telling him what the psychiatrist asked him but somehow it doesn’t feel right. Maybe he really needs to think about the answer before he says anything to anyone.

 

_Week 2, Day 4_

He can’t stop thinking about the questions – _and they haven’t moved on, they’re still talking about the topic and it makes him feel sick, makes him feels things he doesn’t want to feel_ – so he tells Steve. And Steve tells Sam – _after asking him for his permission to share this, which feels really nice_ – and Sam gets angry.

He hears them discussing it, saying that a question like that shouldn’t be asked after three sessions, not with someone in his mind state – _and it feels uncomfortable to hear them say that but he knows they are right_ – and Steve says he is going to talk to the psychiatrist because he is making it worse. And Steve is right with that, because he hasn’t had such big problems thinking since the first day.

Steve doesn’t return from his visit to the doctor.

 

_Week 2, Day 5_

Steve doesn’t return the next day either. Sam swaps in to tell him, that Steve can’t come today and they will explain it to him but something happened and does he need company? He shakes his head because he doesn’t want anyone with him who isn’t Steve.

His psychiatrist doesn’t mentions it.

 

_Week 2, Day 6_

He asks him the next day what Steve said to him and Dr. Bowen smiles sadly and says something about Captain Rogers being “extremely angry and behaving like he alone knew what was good for, James, as if we are still in the forties and I don’t have ten years of field experience with this kind of trauma”.

He blinks because he doesn’t understand what that means – he had agreed that Steve should talk to him and he tells him so but he just smiles at him and shakes her head.

“Did you really agree to it, or do you feel like Captain Rogers just decided to do that?”

But Steve knows what to do and he doesn’t know himself and Steve knows what’s best for him.

He tells him this and gets a fake smile again.

“Co-dependence between mates is totally normal, James, but I think that this between you and Captain Rogers is bordering at unnatural and we really need to do something against this if we want you to get better.”

He doesn’t want to do anything against it, it feels normal to him, it doesn’t feel like Steve is having some kind of hold over him or whatever Dr. Bowen is insisting but then he looks up, because that has to be it, that has to be the reason that Steve hasn’t visited him in two days.

“I want to see Steve.”

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea. And I already requested Mr. Stark to inform Captain Rogers that there needs to be space between the two of you.”

He doesn’t say anything because he feels like he might start screaming as soon as he opens his mouth. The doctor is smiling again and he hates him for it.

“You need to trust me, James. This is what’s right for you.”

 

_Week 3, Day 1_

“Was there ever a moment when you felt like Captain Rogers was keeping something from you?”

The doctor asks and he opens his mouth to deny it, because Steve hadn’t kept anything from him, he is sure about this. But then he thinks back to that one conversation they had, about the one memory where Steve wouldn’t tell him why he was begging and he _knows_ that there is no need to question it, because Steve knows what is right for him and what he can handle and that obviously is something, that he can’t handle, so it had been totally fine that Steve hadn't explained it.

“James.”

The warning in the doctor’s voice makes him look up and he realises that the fingers he pulled into a fist are shaking and he tries to focus his eyes on something – _but not on the doctor, he can’t look the doctor in the eyes, he knows this_.

He doesn’t know what is happening. It’s like every day is getting worse and he thinks that it shouldn’t be possible because shouldn’t he get better? Sam had said that, when he started the therapy. Steve had said it too. But he hasn’t seen both of them in days and he knows there is a reason for that but shouldn’t Steve at least try to get to him, wasn’t that what a mate would do?

But the thought only stays for a moment because he can’t focus on anything for longer than a few seconds otherwise he just totally loses himself in his thoughts – _that happened yesterday when the doctor asked him to talk about what he is feeling at the moment and he got so lost in his own memories that when he was coming back to himself their time had been up and the doctor had been writing something down and shouldn’t he have helped him out of this, wasn’t this the point?_ But the doctor had called it a success and that it was something they needed to monitor and he doesn’t want it to happen again, but hadn't the doctor told him over and over again that he knew what was best for him and if he was lying or wrong, someone would have interfered wouldn’t they?

So the doctor is right and even if he hates him, this is the best for him.

“James. Captain Rogers?”

“There was something. I don’t-“

“You don’t need to talk about it now. We have all the time in the world. I just want you to think about it. What did it make you feel? How did it change your thoughts about Captain Rogers’s trustworthiness?”

It hadn’t changed anything. It’s not like Steve had outright lied to him or as if he had turned him down when he had wanted to know something – _just because there was something that Steve had kept from him…_ He digs his fingernails into his palm to stop himself from zoning out again, because he doesn’t want it to happen. It has happened too many times in the last few days.

“And.” The doctor starts and he thinks about begging him to stop asking questions that he can’t answer and that make him so uncomfortable but he doesn’t beg – _because it won’t lead to anything_.

“How did Captain Rogers react when you got parts of your memory back?”

He had been happy. Of course he had been happy because that is the point of all of this. Him getting his memory back and becoming himself again, so why… _why had Steve looked so sad sometimes when he remembered_? Steve wants him to remember then why, why would he be sad?

He can’t breathe right.

He doesn’t know what’s happening but he can’t breathe and he leans forward because it’s the only thing that makes sense at the moment and he doesn’t feel safe, he doesn’t know what is happening but then there is a hand on his neck and the doctor is right beside him, petting his hair and it doesn’t help much but it is better than nothing and he doesn’t know if he wants Steve with him at the moment or if he wants him as far away as possible but he needs _something_. Something has to change for all of this to make sense again.

“I know that you don’t trust me.” The doctor says and he is right. He doesn’t trust him but everyone else says this is the right way, this is what is supposed to happen because…

_Because the doctor will fix him._

“But I’m good at what I do.” It sounds like the doctor is smiling, like this might be the first genuine smile he has seen on him since they started this.

“I’m actually the best. So, please let me help you.”

The doctor cups his cheeks and makes him look up. He doesn’t look into the doctor eyes, doesn’t dares it because he knows that it wouldn’t be right to look him in the eyes but he sees the smile on his face – _and he was right, this is the first genuine smile and that can only mean that something good it happening_ – so he nods and the doctors thumb caresses his cheek – _and he remembers this, remembers a rough hand on his cheek, petting him and then a punch but the punch doesn’t come, the doctor is just nice to him_.

“But for me to help you, you need to work with me.” He nods.

“You need to listen to me.” He nods again and the smile on the doctor’s face gets wider.

“Very good. I need you to remember something. Are listening?” He nods, but doesn’t dare to say anything even if this question was directed at him.

“I just want you to remember that I know what’s best for you, Soldier.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify something: I think that Bucky was the perfect target for brainwashing because the loss of his mate made him extremely unstable. Means: by the time they brainwashed him the first time, Steve was already “dead” and Bucky’s instinct knew that. So now that he has Steve back, he’s a lot better. He still has problems remembering but his mind is calmer and he’s more aware of his surroundings, of smells and all that. So when Dr. Bowen isolates him from Steve, his whole instincts his hormones go wild, because he knows that he should be around him but he isn’t – not that he can name the feeling – so he loses focus again. That’s why it’s so easy for Dr. Bowen to manipulate Bucky. Because the single lifeline he’s holding onto in that moment is, that people told him Bowen is gonna fix him.  
> Yes, I’m aware that Bucky being so dependent on Steve’s presence is unhealthy. Believe me, it’s gonna be addressed in the third part. (Also, we’re gonna find out why Steve is sad when Bucky remembers and why he doesn't want to talk about the memory in the next chapter. This is **not** an evil!Steve fic!)  
>  Also: Psychiatrists are not evil! Unless they belong to Hydra! Which this one does. This fic isn’t trying to demonize psychiatrists in any way, I just don’t believe that all Hydra agents came out of the shadows, there have to be some who are still undercover bc an intelligent organization would have a backup plan.  
> Also, I'm kinda looking for a beta reader - a good one. So if anyone is interested?
> 
> Still got something to talk about? Come hang out at [my tumblr](http://everknowing.tumblr.com/).


	2. I hear your voice, deep within

_Week 3, Day 6_

It’s been a long time since he has seen the doctor.

He doesn’t like it because he feels lost. He doesn’t know what to do, when the doctor doesn’t tell him and he didn’t this time, just ordered him out of the room because he has said something that he shouldn’t have said – _but he doesn’t remember what and he thinks if he could remember he would apologise to him, of course only after the doctor had allowed him to do that because he knows that the doctor doesn’t like if he speaks without being spoken to first and the doctor knows what’s best for him so that’s what he is going to do_.

He wonders how long it has been since he has seen the doctor and he has tried to count the meals but he doesn’t know how many meals he gets per day and he also thinks he forgot a few because _he doesn’t remember eating more than five meals since he has seen the doctor but he also knows that it’s impossible that it’s only been a few days because he feels like it’s been months and he doesn’t want it to feel like that, he wants it to feel okay like when the doctor talks to him or when_ … he blinks because he knows that he is looking for a memory that’s not there and is not normal because he knows that in the last few … days – he thinks – he has always been able to bring up the memory of safety, of security but now he feels at unease about it and he doesn’t know what to do.

He hits his head against the padded wall because he doesn’t know what else to do and he manages to do it hard enough that a faint pain sets in and distracts him from his thoughts.

He doesn’t know what to do with this thoughts.

And he knows that’s not right.

 

The door opens a bit later and he gets told that his appointment is starting in a few minutes.

He tries to get up as fast as he can but somehow he can’t get himself to move his legs even if he desperately wants to and the guard – _does he know him or is it a new one?_ – sighs and comes in to secure his arm with one of those cuffs that doesn’t let him move it and tries to pull him up.

He sees another person in the door who might be a guard too and this one looks like he is afraid and moves his hand to his belt but the guard with him says something and shakes his head and then they’re out of the room and his feet hit the cold floor.

He stops immediately and this time he hears the angry words of the guard who wants him to move on. He wants to tell the guard that his feet are getting cold and he wants to ask why they’re bare but he can’t find the words so he lets himself be pulled forward to the elevator and he forgets about it.

He also doesn’t notice the person standing only a few feet away from him, looking utterly shell shocked.

 

The doctor doesn’t talk. He just sits on his chair and writes something in his book, totally ignoring him.

He fidgets in his seat because he doesn’t like it and they chained his arm down again even though he can’t move it and he doesn’t understand why they did that. But the doctor knows best, even if there’s a voice in him that tells him it’s not right, that it shouldn’t be like this.

“Soldier.” The doctor says after an eternity of being busy with his book and his head snaps up. He tries to focus his eyes somewhere near the doctors head or maybe on his ear because he isn’t allowed to look him in the eyes but he also knows that the doctor doesn’t likes it if he doesn’t look at him – _he wanted to ask where he was supposed to look but he hadn’t dared because he knows that the doctor gets angry when he asks stuff like this and he always starts to feel so bad when the doctor is angry at him_.

“I really hope this session will go better than the last one.”

He remains silent.

“Good. Let’s talk about the last session, shall we? What made you think speaking up against me was the right thing to do?”

He opens his mouth because that was a question addressed to him but he has no idea what to say. He doesn’t even remember what exactly he said to the doctor that made him so angry. Is that the reason why he hasn’t seen the doctor in so long? Why his head feels like it’s going to explode? Is it his own fault because he sabotaged his own therapy?

That isn’t good. That isn’t what he is supposed to do. He is supposed to try everything to get better, he can’t disappoint _him_ , not when _he_ did everything humanly possible to get him every help that there is but … that it’s not the doctor he is thinking about, that is the _man_ , that is _Steve_ and the doctor has already made him see sense with Steve because Steve withheld information and didn’t want him to get better, he _knows_ that.

He feels ill thinking that, like he wants to vomit but he doesn’t know why and it makes his fingers start shaking.

The doctor watched him and sighs.

“Do you remember what you did?” He asks and he shakes his head.

“Answer me, use your words.”

“No, I don’t.” He presses forward. “Sir.” He adds afterwards.

“I told you that the next step in getting you better would be medication.” He flinches because no, he doesn’t want to take medication, that’s the worst there can be, why would the doctor make him to something like that?

“And.” The doctor says and give him a stern look to make him stop. “You told me that you would refuse to take your pills because you know that they’re not right for you.” He wants to nod at that but the doctor’s look makes him stop.

“What makes you think, that you can decide something so important like that, Soldier?”

He opens his mouth but the doctor raises his hand to make him stop. “Didn’t we agree that civilians really don’t know this stuff better than I do? Maybe a medical treatment like this wouldn’t have been done in the forties, but we are in the twenty-first century and it is totally normal. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

There is a reason why he won’t take them and he tries to bring it up, tries to explain that he remembers his head being so foggy and the voices talking to him and telling him things and then the pain in his head but he knows that the doctor won’t want to hear it.

“So, do we agree that this is the best way?” The doctor asks and he pushes a small plastic bottle forward. “You take one in the morning and you will feel a lot better. Then we can finally start to make you better.”

He takes the bottle and then the doctor pushes a button on his phone.

For a moment he is confused because they didn’t talk about anything but the doctor probably knows what’s right, even if taking drugs is the last thing he wants to do.

 

_Week 3, Day 7_

He thinks it might be early because someone just put food in his room that looks like it’s meant for breakfast. He is in the small bathroom that’s adjoined to his room and he looks at the bottle with pills in his hand.

He knows that there are cameras in his room and he knows that someone will report to the doctor what kind if he takes the pills or not – _he doesn’t know how he knows that, today somehow feels like a day where he can think better and he doesn’t know where that comes from_ – so he opens the bottle and puts one in his mouth. He hesitates for a moment, but then he pushed the pill between his teeth and his cheek and he swallows to make it look like he took it.

Then he grabs the toothbrush and the paste and starts brushing his teeth. He tries to be efficient even if his thoughts slip here and there but he really feels like he can think clearer. He doesn’t know what the fuck is happening or why it’s happening now but somehow he feels really good.

He spits into the sink and looks how toothpaste, water and the pill disappear in the drain.

Then he steps back into the room and picks up the food and sits down and somehow the food smells different. He doesn’t know where it comes from because this is not the smell of the guard who usually brings his food to the room – _because he can’t smell that one, had a lot of problems smelling anything in the past few days_ – this smells like … Steve.

And now he can smell it in the whole room so Steve probably hadn’t just carried the tablet but also put it in the room.

But Steve shouldn’t be near him, should he? He has agreed to let the doctor take care of him and he has also lied to him and probably endangered his recovery so why … why is this making him feel so much better? Why does he feel like he can think clearly for the first time in days just because he smells Steve in the room?

It just doesn’t make any sense.

 

_Week 4, Day 1_

He wakes in the middle of the night with the thought of going downwards and laughing and screaming and holding the tiny Steve’s clothes while he’s puking his guts out in his head and it takes him until the morning to be able to name the feeling.

To realise how much _love_ he felt in that memory.

 

_Week 4, Day 2_

“How do you feel?” Asks Dr. Bowen and he shrugs. His day isn’t as good as the two days before even though he still doesn’t know what exactly he feels about the fact that Steve was in his room and that it made him feel ten times better than anything him and the doctor did in the last week. But he doesn’t dare to tell that to the doctor because he doesn’t know what kind of reaction the medicament should induce in him.

So he shrugs and looks at the Bowen’s ear and it feels really weird but it is what the doctor expects of him. Still it feels totally weird that he can’t – _or that he isn’t allowed_ – to look the doctor in the eyes. Why did he never realised that? And why hasn’t he protested yet? Wouldn’t that be the best choice if he feels uncomfortable with something his therapist does?

The doctor nods and writes something down. “Would you say that it’s easier for you to think now or that it’s harder?”

He opens his mouth and closes it again. He wants to say that he is able to think, that it’s not as bad as before but then he will have to tell Bowen that Steve has been in his room and he doesn’t want to do that. Maybe Steve will return and he will feel better again. He thinks he would like to feel better and maybe that’s why he should talk about it. Maybe Steve was sent by Bowen, to take a look at how he would react to him being there? _But … but Dr. Bowen doesn’t like Steve_. He doesn’t know where this thought comes from but he somehow knows that it has to be true because otherwise nothing makes sense.

He blinks, when he realises that Bowen is writing something down and he cringes at the thought that he probably fucked it all up because he hesitated. He opens his mouth again, but shuts it immediately when Bowen looks up and a big smile is plastered on his face.

“I think we’re finally making progress in this, Soldier.” He doesn’t like it that Bowen calls him Soldier. He also doesn’t understands it. Why Soldier. Why not the name Steve calls him by? Or the name the other doctors used. Or even the name which he knows is his last names.

“You probably don’t remember that I asked you on our first assignment if it wasn’t easier at Hydra, when you didn’t have to think.” Bowen starts and he remembers this, but doesn’t says anything. Bowen is touching his hair, smiling that fake smile at him again.

“And now we’ve finally reached that point again. We’re only beginning, the longer you take your pills the better you’ll get of course.”

He doesn’t understand. What the fuck is in that pills?

“So my first order for you is to always take your medicament in the morning. No exception.”

He blinks in confusion and that seems to be enough for Bowen to be satisfied and he doesn’t understand, because this is definitely not what he signed up for. Why the hell is Bowen talking to him like … no. It takes a lot of willpower to not just start to shake his head to get the thoughts out of his brain, because this can’t be right. He must be hallucinating.

“We have the opportunity to do a lot of good, Soldier, to change the world.” Bowen continues and he clenches his hand into a fist because he can’t process what’s going on without hitting something.

Preferably the doctor.

Then Steve because he brought him here. And because he lied to him. And that’s it. Steve lied to him about something, didn’t he? He tries to remember why he is so angry at Steve, what exactly Steve lied about but he can’t bring it up because it’s like his memories are running and jumping around like they are exercising for a gymnastics tournament.

If he can’t trust Steve.

And he can’t trust Bowen.

Who the hell can he trust?

 

_Week 4, Day 2_

He comes to the conclusion that he can only trust himself.

 

_Week 4, Day 3_

Which is probably not the smartest thing because by the day he has more problems focusing again and it doesn’t help that the doctor is still talking about changing the world and all that stuff even if all their sessions are about shaping the future and the doctor monitoring how much he is not reacting to anything. Which gets really hard because when he’s deep in his thoughts sometimes stuff just comes out.

 

_Week 4, Day 4_

Okay maybe when he’s breaking out of here he should kidnap Steve and keep him tied up somewhere close so that his mind calms down again.

 

_Week 4, Day 5_

But breaking out and kidnaping Steve might get a bit difficult in his current condition.

 

_Week 4, Day 6_

The doctor wants to go out with him.

It’s probably the most horrible idea he has ever heard because he is pretty sure that they won’t come back.

The doctor is always talking about meeting up with his colleagues and he doesn’t know if it is some kind of memory that just came up or if the doctor actually said it but he thinks he heard a certain name when the doctor was talking about the colleagues and there is a part of him that likes the idea, because Rumlow has never been as bad to him as some of the other handler he’s had – _his legs clench together involuntarily at that thought and for a moment he thinks he can’t breathe_ – and he might be wrong but he doesn’t like the thought of handlers and control anymore and he thinks it’s wrong because he should be his own person, shouldn’t he? That’s what all of this is about, isn’t it?

So when the doctor tells him that he managed to convince Stark that they can leave the Tower on the Day after Tomorrow with a few guards – _only people the doctor picked because he knows best which guards his patient reacts the best and he wants to laugh at that because of course the doctor would say that and of course that would be the reason, there wouldn’t be anything else_ – he realises that he has to do something.

He can’t just let this happen, he doesn’t want to let this happen because this isn’t right and he thinks that it is his duty to do something.

He owes it … to someone.

He owes it to _himself_.

 

They stop the session after that because the doctor has to organise the rest for their trip for the day after tomorrow. They will meet again tomorrow to talk and he knows that getting out of the room – _and going somewhere safe_ – is his main priority so he has to make an escape plan for when they take him to or back from the session tomorrow.

He just doesn’t know what exactly he can do at the moment.

This isn’t like one of his missions where he has weapons at his disposal – he also hasn’t trained in a few weeks despite some push ups and his body still looks and feels the same but he doesn’t trust his body to fully function.

He also doesn’t trust anyone in the tower.

If he could trust Steve everything would be all right because then he could just find Steve but this isn’t an option.

He thinks about all of this as the guards take him back to his cell and he doesn’t even realise that they have stopped before he gets hit with the smell again.

“Nobody is allowed down here.” Says one of his guards and okay, he thinks they are probably also colleagues of Bowen.

He looks to whoever the intruder is and realises that it’s Sam. Sam who said therapy would be good for him. Sam who’s probably spending time with Steve and who is therefore also a liar – if he could just find out what exactly Steve lied to him about, he would be really happy.

Sam who’s holding a folded piece of clothing in his hands.

“I just heard from Stark that he’s going out soon and I know that he doesn’t own any clothes beside that.” Sam gestures to his trousers and his shirt, both which are really thin. “And I probably should come back tomorrow with some shoes, I guess. That looks really uncomfortable.”

The guards look at each other and then one of them steps forward and takes the piece of clothing which seems to be a sweater. He pulls it inwards to check for weapons and then he nods and give it to him.

The smell becomes stronger immediately.

The sweater belongs to Steve. And he probably wore it immediately before he gave it to Sam.

He looks at Sam as the guards pull him to his room.

And Sam winks at him.

 

He doesn’t know what to make of it.

He thinks Sam gave him the sweater to help him. He thinks there might be a deeper meaning. Maybe it’s all some kind of plot to find out how he reacts to Steve’s scent and how they can manipulate him with it.

That has to be it. That has to be the logical conclusion.

But why now.

Why right now when Bowen wants him to leave the building – _or tower like he said_ – and why not before.

There’s a part of him. That same faint voice as before that tells him that they’re trying to help him. That they know how unfocused he gets when Steve isn’t there. That they don’t want Bowen to have this kind of control over him.

But do they want to control him themselves?

But wouldn’t have Steve done a lot of things differently? Most of the things he did helped him remember. Helped him feel like his own person.

But Steve lied to him. No, he didn’t lie to him, he only withheld information. At least that’s what’s going through his head at this moment. But what kind of information?

His head starts to hurt and he has no idea what to do at the moment.

He feels confused because of his memories – _because of that one memory that is so important_ – and he just wants it to stop.

When he pulls the sweater over his head and takes a deep breath it only confuses him more. He can’t trust Steve.

But he feels so safe right now that he would probably walk to the end of the world for him.

 

_“You gonna fuck me at some time in this century, or do I have to go to Falsworth for it?” Bucky says and kicks Steve in the side. Which is probably not the best idea when he wants his mate to fuck him senseless but hey, he was never known for brilliant ideas. Better than Steve, but just because Steve’s ideas where always stupid and suicidal._

_Especially not when he is in heat and his body is on fire and he is so fucking wet and Steve just takes to long for this._

_“I mean he looks rather nice, probably has a big co-“ Steve kisses the words right out of his mouth because he finally managed to untie his ridiculous boots and got rid of his ridiculous pants and Bucky immediately spreads his legs for Steve because he’s been ready for the past hour and Steve really took too long to let himself be persuaded to do this._

_“Buck, not like this.” Steve speaks into his mouth and forces Bucky’s legs down and he really doesn’t think he would care if Steve would just push inside him and knot him and okay yeah, he’s totally on board for that._

_Steve bites his cheek when Bucky won’t stop trying to cross his legs behind him and Bucky really hates him at the moment. Why can’t he just go along with it, damn it. It would be so easy for him, to just slip in, just one move of his hip…_

_“You don’t have to wait.” He says while he is placing open mouthed kisses on Steve’s mouth, his cheek, his throat. “I already fingered myself open.” Not that he had too. He’s so wet, so needy for it, he bets that Steve could just push inside him._

_Steve’s hips buck forward and for a moment Bucky hopes that yes, they’re going to do it, but then he forces himself back._

_“I pushed four fingers inside me, pretending it was you.” He continues and in the next moment Steve has flipped him over onto his knees and oh yeah, he remembers now why he couldn’t push inside. No suppressions, no prophylactic and Bucky’s tendencies to not let Steve pull out of him if he can manage it._

_He regrets it for a moment, because the thought of Steve knotting him bare, coming inside him without anything to prevent a pregnancy makes him want to beg for it, but he’s so far gone in his heat, that all thoughts are gone and he bites into the pillow under him, when Steve spreads his cheeks apart and licks a long stripe from his balls upwards._

_Bucky curses and bucks backwards but Steve holds him in place, doesn’t let him move more than a few centimetre and he just puts his forehead on his arms and closes his eyes because he feels like he’s going to die if Steve doesn’t  fucks him soon._

_“You really did prepare yourself.” Steve murmurs and Bucky whines because yes he did, when he thought that he couldn’t talk Steve into fucking him and that he had to do everything himself._

_“You’re so loose I bet I can just push inside you.”_

_“Then do it, asshole.” Bucky hisses and then there is a hand on his neck, pushing his face farther down and he knows that Steve’s gonna do it, he knows that it’s gonna happen._

_And when Steve pushes inside him and finally, finally thrust his glorious cock into him to the hilt he things he howls._

_Or maybe it’s Steve. He likes to think it’s Steve because he really should be used to Steve and his new cock which is just so much bigger than the old one – not that the old one was bad, Bucky loved fucking himself on that cock – but he just can’t get over it._

_He bites down on the mattress but Steve turns his head around to kiss him and if he wouldn’t have to balance himself on his arms he would have slapped Steve somewhere._

_“Just move, god damn you, move.” He begs and Steve grins against his lips and continues to lick into his mouth and Bucky hates him because he can feel Steve’s cock in him and it’s hot and hard and he just needs it and why won’t Steve move?_

_Steve kisses him again, this time nearly chaste compared to the other ones and then he lets Bucky head fall back down onto his arms._

_“I’m gonna take care of you. Gonna make you feel good.” And Bucky has no doubt of that if he could just start._

_But then Steve makes good on his promise and pulls back nearly all the way and slams his cock into him again and okay, this time Bucky definitely howls. He also has to brace his arms against the headboard because Steve definitely pushed him up a bit. But then Steve pulls him back down and thrusts in again and Bucky thinks he might be crying._

_They establish a fast hard rhythm, exactly the thing Bucky needs during his heat and he wants to touch Steve, he wants to kiss him, he wants Steve to knot him so deep that it just_ takes _._

_“Buck.” Steve grows beneath him and he realises that he said that out loud. But he can’t be sorry because the thought just won’t leave his head and looks back at Steve who has stopped and just looks at him with nearly black eyes._

_Steve curses and then resumes his rhythm and Bucky can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop imagining it and he pushes a hand under him – and he is not sure if he wants to wrap it around his cock or if he wants to put it on his lower belly – but Steve is faster than him and their hands tangle a bit up and both end on his belly._

_And Steve thrust so hard into him that they both just slide towards the headboard and their hands on his belly grip each other and Bucky can’t stop talking._

_“I want it. Please, Steve, please, just do it.”_

_“We’re at war.” Steve says – and how is he even able to talk like this at this point – but his hand grips Bucky’s belly harder and his thrusts seem to get a lot more desperate._

_“It’s gonna be over soon, we’re close to killing Schmidt and it won’t be long before you’re gonna kill Hitler and then it’s over and everything’s gonna be fine. I won’t even be showing by the time it’s done.”_

_And that makes Steve bend down and Bucky’s moves towards him and they kiss, slowly and sweet and Bucky breathes against Steve’s lips. He realises that his cheeks are damp and damn it, has he been crying?_

_“You like that thought? Me showing? Everyone knowing that I belong to you?”_

_And then Steve pulls out of him and Bucky nearly screams at him because no, no this wasn’t supposed to happen. But then Steve just flips him down onto his back and pushes right in and their hands are on his lower belly again._

_Steve buries his face in Bucky’s neck and Bucky puts his free hand around his neck and wraps his legs around Steve’s waist and crosses his ankles, like he always does because he refuses to let Steve pull out now._

_“Everyone would know that you always fuck me good, that you’re my alpha. And this time I would need you to protect me because I wouldn’t be able to protect myself.”_

_“You’d get so soft.” Steve murmurs against his neck and Bucky nods and catches Steve’s gaze when he lifts his head and looking into Steve’s eyes make this so much better._

_“Just for you.” Bucky says and Steve puts a hand on Bucky’s chest, thrusts getting shorter and more frantic._

_“Not for me.” He says and his hands tweak Bucky’s nipple._

_“For the baby.” Bucky says and Steve nods._

_“Little you and me. Your eyes-“_

_“Yours.” Steve interferes and Bucky swallows because yes he can totally imagine this baby. “Your hair. Let’s hope that she’s not as stupid as you.”_

_He jokes and then they kiss again and somehow their rhythm isn’t as hard as before but it’s still everything Bucky wants and when Steve knot starts to swell, pushing against that place in him while Steve continues to make slow short thrusts, so that he can’t pull out, Bucky throws his head back because his orgasm hits him totally unexpected and Steve is still kissing his chin, his throat, everything he can reach, their hands still pressed against his belly._

 

In a dark room, curled into a ball, his hands buried in the sweater that doesn’t belongs to him, the man who somehow is Bucky Barnes wakes.

He looks around disorientated because he doesn’t remember falling asleep but when he puts his head down and closes his eyes, there’s more before his eyes, memories going through his head and slipping away, not staying but leaving something, leaving a feeling.

A feeling of knowledge, of a person that is somewhere deep inside him, only waiting for the memories to be found.

He doesn’t remembers them immediately.

_But he remembers enough._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a lot longer than I originally thought, mostly bc I planned to write two chapters, but this is getting way to long so have three chapters. I will hopefully update sooner than this time, as long as the heat doesn't kill me and I can find a quiet place at my parent's to write.
> 
> And remember. Anything you want to talk about? Here's my [tumblr](http://everknowing.tumblr.com/).


	3. My every road leads to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna update this chapter in a few days (or maybe a week or so, not sure) when I get the beta'd version, but I got a lot of asks in the last few days demanding the new chapter - I said last Sunday on tumblr after all - so here it is, unbeta'd at the moment.

_Week 4, Day 7_

He doesn’t know what he feels when he wakes again.

No, that is not right.

He feels like he saw a really long movie and he can remember most of the stuff that happened in it but he’s starting to forget the details again.

He feels angry and he feels betrayed because he enjoyed the “movie” and he can’t believe that he is losing it again.

What he doesn’t know is, if he feels like he is Bucky Barnes – the guy seems to be a mix between an asshole and a really okay guy and he really enjoyed seeing his life even if it sucked a lot – or like … himself? No – that doesn’t feel right, because he doesn’t know what he is besides a burnt out shell that’s just clinging to faint memories that come and go like they want.

_He thinks he would like to be Bucky Barnes again._

As soon as the thought has formed itself he starts laughing because that is probably the most ridiculous thing that ever crossed his mind.

It’s not like he isn’t Bucky Barnes. It’s not like Bucky Barnes hasn’t occupied this body for over ninety years, even if his memories had been on vacation sometimes.

But Steve had brought him back, Steve had helped finding Bucky and Steve… Steve had not outright lied to him but he had refused to tell something really important about that moment, that memory of their last time together.

Bucky doesn’t know if he is angry about that or if it makes him sad because he doesn’t understand why Steve wouldn’t tell him.

Unless he had thought Bucky would feel obligated to do something about it. Something like it. And maybe it’s obvious how broken Bucky is, _what happened to him_ and maybe that’s why Steve didn’t want to tell him, because he doesn’t want something Broken – _he thinks this doesn’t make any sense because-because-because it’s not like he wasn’t broken before, it’s not like it hadn’t happened before and Steve still wanted to-_

An ugly sound steals itself out of Bucky’s mouth when the thought about what they wanted returns to him, about what they had wanted to do in that one memory and he can’t stop digging his hand into his belly, because _he remembers_ , he remembers what happened after and how happy he had been for about five seconds until the war and the danger had crashed back into him and how he couldn’t even rely on Steve, because _he had never told him_.

Hell the more he tries to remember it, the more comes back and he is hit with _before_ , with the aching emptiness that had constantly occupied him when Steve had been too sick to be fertile, when they had been too poor to raise a child and wow, okay, maybe being Bucky Barnes is a lot more confusing than he had originally thought, because even though he remembers it so far he doesn’t feel connected so all these emotions that come attached to certain memories… they kinda scare him.

But he thinks he likes it better than before.

Because now he feels like he is _someone_.

He doesn’t know how long he lies on the mattress just remembering, just having the different memories that fly through his head as soon as he’s thinking about something that’s a little bit related.

It’s scary and it’s hard because it seems like his head is so full and suddenly he has context why he feels and thinks different things but he doesn’t feel like they are his memories.

A tiny extremely annoying voice in his head reminds him, that that mostly comes from him not being used to having memories, from his fried damaged brain being totally overcome with this new feeling.

And he knows that he is Bucky Barnes, but somehow the more he thinks about it the more he doesn’t feel connected to the name either, he just feels like he should think of himself as Bucky Barnes. Maybe he should start thinking of himself as James. Maybe that will help him.

 

James Barnes wakes, when the door opens so that they can deliver his breakfast and he thinks about killing the guard. The guard works for Bowen and the Doctor definitely is fucked up – _probably works for Hydra and fuck it, why did that thought only arrive now, it was so obvious_ – so the guard won’t be missed by anybody.

Unless he was forced into working for them, like James, okay no, Bucky was – _he remembers a project, something starting with I and the fact that there’s this big fat gap in his memory tells him it’s something from Hydra_ – and that he deserves to be given a change.

Honestly, this sounds like something Steve – _and oh fuck it that’s another matter he definitely needs to think about now that he remembers_ – would say, right after he killed himself through a dozen German Soldiers, the head of the one he decapitated still to his feet, when he realised that maybe Captain America should be a little bit more nice. _As if_.

And Bucky knows – _just now_ – that Steve isn’t a nice person, a good person, yes, the best he probably ever met, but Steve isn’t generally nice to everyone he just meets he is actually kind of an ass, not matter what kind of picture the army always wanted to sell to the people.

And okay, maybe he needs to stop going off in his head like this because he’s pretty sure he just zoned out completely because the possible Hydra Guard is lying at his feet.

“Um.” He says eloquently – _and the word gets stuck in his throat and it burns a bit because he doesn’t speak much these days_ – and watches as Steve’s winged friend – _yes he remembers him, but he has actually no idea what his name is_ – stands behind the Guard, a raised food tablet in his hands.

“You okay, Barnes?” The man says and he nods, because yes he is somehow okay, a little bit confu- oh okay, well it might be coming to him. Wasn’t that the guy who gave him Steve’s sweater? Which made him feel like his head was clear. Something that could have possibly _triggered his memory_ , his brain decides this moment. But why was that guy in possession of Steve’s sweater?

He narrows his eyes and looks the man up and down. _He might be Steve’s type_.

“Name’s Sam, nice to meet you. Can we get out of here, now?” Sam asks and Bucky isn’t sure if he wants to talk to him. Because now he remembers that Sam smelled of Steve a few… days or so ago and he’s pretty sure, they’re fucking.

“Oh god, seriously? I’m not sleeping with him.”

Bucky grunts.

“Unbelievable, you know Steve actually told me you wouldn’t  go down that road, because you know how much he loves you and that the feelings you two have for each other are like deep and magical and all?”

Oh. Okay, maybe Sam isn’t an asshole.

“Also, I’m an Alpha.”

“I’ve seen crazier.”

“It talks, good. Can we go now?”

Bucky takes Sam’s outstretched hand, even though he doesn’t need it and gets up.

He thinks about taking the Guards Pistol but realises it’s one of these ugly, useless things that don’t kill you. He can kill upcoming targets easier with his bare hands. Or he could if his arm would be working.

“Come on, come on, come on.” Sam says and he has a hand on his arm metal arm and Bucky is pretty sure that he doesn’t like being moved around. Also, his feet are cold. But then they’re at the elevator and Sam is shoving him inside. He holds the door open and is typing something one-handed on his phone.

“Okay, pretty boy, you need to get yourself to the basement.” He pressed the UG Button. “Steve is somewhere there. He doesn’t know that you’re free now by the way, we’re doing this kind of blind, one person setting the other ones reaction off and so.”

Bucky must look like he doesn’t understand anything – _and he doesn’t, there’s no memory from before he could rely on and damn it, that actually feels really frustrating_ – because Sam sighs. “Just go to the basement and find Steve. Stay out of sight, I’m gonna tell Stark that he can take care of the basements cameras. See ya, as soon as I knocked out the guards who’re on their way to take you back to Doctor Asshole.” He presses down on his phone with his thumb and Bucky feels a pressure in his arm, that wasn’t there before and suddenly he can move his fingers.

“Off you go.”

And then the doors close.

Okay, he really doesn’t like this guy. He’s so … he’s funny, while still being tough and it reminds him kinda of himself before the war and of course Steve and him – _nope, okay, what the fuck is his brain trying to tell him, Steve was ready to fucking die rather than fight him, he’s definitely not fucking that guy_ – and okay, that memory makes him kinda happy even though it shouldn’t.

He tips with his fingers on the wall of the elevator and he counts every floor – _it’s three_ – until it stops.

He carefully pushes one hand out and doesn’t get shot immediately so his leg follows and then the whole body. The floor is cold under his bare feet and he regrets not taking the knocked out guards shoes, but this would have to wait, shoes are not the first thing on his priority list – _not that he has a list, or does he have one?_

There are hallways going down both sides of the elevator door and he tries to think in which direction Sam wanted him to go. Why didn’t he just tell him, this doesn’t make any sense, it’s not like he can find Steve like some kind of bloodhound.

…

_Okay, well, Bucky didn’t attend school that long but he remembers simple biology._

And this waterfall of information is really starting to freak him out, because he is just not used to having so many emotions flooding his head as soon as he doesn’t know anything.

Nonetheless he should be able to find Steve by smell. Or at least pick up his general direction.

He inhales and he thinks there might be faint hint of Steve _somewhere_ so he takes three steps to the right and no, nothing. So he moves towards the left and it might be his crappy nose playing him some kind of sick joke but he thinks this might be the direction.

He moves carefully, trying to stay out of side because maybe Stark – _and holy shit is Howard Stark still alive, is his first thought until he realises that no, that’s pretty impossible, you remember that, idiot_ – isn’t as good as Sam thinks it to be.

Somehow nobody seems to be down there – _he crossed paths with one woman, carrying a box that was way too heavy for her and full of paper and he managed to hide himself in a dark corner_ – so he thinks this might be the archives.

And maybe the gym, because he is pretty sure that he smells a lot of sweat. And Pheromones.

And… Steve.

Definitely Steve.

He closes his eyes and tries to listen and his ears have always been better than his nose and suddenly he hears Steve’s voice.

Okay, it might not be Steve’s voice per se but he thinks he can hear the general baritone that Steve uses, that feeling when he knows that it’s Steve but he can’t make any words out precisely.

He follows the feeling to the end of the hallway – _taking in the all genders changing room_ – and goes past them to where there are two big doors.

Now here, Steve’s scent is stronger, so strong that even Bucky can call it that way and he smiles to himself.

Until he smells another scent and this one … this one is Omega.

So… Bucky likes to think of himself as someone who doesn’t get jealous easily – _he handled the Sam situation pretty well, didn’t he_ – but this. No this one he doesn’t like. Not one bit. _And how do you even think of yourself, without feeling connected to your past, or does he thinks of Bucky Barnes as someone who doesn’t get jealous easily and damn he should maybe stop thinking about shit like this._

He thinks about how he should go in but then he just shrugs and opens the door – _he really doesn’t need to make a big entrance now_ – and immediately the voices go silent.

Steve is sitting right beside the door on some kind of bench, hand in his hair and the hand of another man on his back.

Bucky blinks.

Steve blinks.

The other guy slowly takes his hand away from Steve and moves to the other side of the bench.

Okay maybe not the other side but he certainly moves a fair amount away from Steve.

Bucky isn’t sure if it’s guilt or cautiousness.

“Bu-Bucky?!” Steve says and Bucky doesn’t know what to do, so he just shrugs. There are a lot of ways he could go about this, but suddenly his throat feels so dry, that he can speak.

 “Honestly, Cap, he _does_ look like he wants to kill me.” Says the blond man – _which is really unfair, he does not, but this sounds like something that has been talked about in an earlier conversation_ – and Bucky expects Steve to give him an angry look but he is so busy jumping to his feet and hugging Bucky, that he can’t even do that.

He should probably have expected that. Still, it comes sudden and it feels kinda weird being hugged by Steve after the only touch he had for so long were- _okay not going down that road, definitely not_. So he decides to enjoy this, because after all it’s Steve and what’s better than being hugged by Steve. He is just about to reciprocate the hug when…

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Steve says and… _pulls away_? “I was just so happy to see you I didn’t want to get into your personal space and make you uncomfortable.”

Bucky blinks.

“Stevie. Did you listen to the shrinks again?” Definitely not what his first words to Steve should have been. He thinks.

Steve pauses, then he smiles and then Bucky is hugged again and this time he hugs back and buries his head in Steve’s neck and he still feels uncomfortable, he has this shudder going down his back but the longer he stays here, the longer he inhales Steve’s scent, the better he feels, the safer he feels.

He doesn’t feel like everything will go to shit as soon as he closes his eyes, he doesn’t feel like he fell and can’t get himself up anymore.

He blinks. Once, twice, swallows because it seems like he can’t breathe and he digs his fingers into Steve’s back.

_He fell._

_He fell._

_Oh god._

“Bucky?” Steve asks and over Steve’s shoulder he can see the blond man starting to look wary.

Why didn’t Steve look for him? Or maybe he did. Maybe he did and he was too late.

He knows that Steve would never give up on him. Would never leave him behind. Would never lie to him.

_Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no._

He doesn’t want to go there. He doesn’t want to go down that road because he knows that it was just something Bowen implanted in his head. _Steve didn’t lie to him_.

_Or if he did. He did it to protect him._

Okay no, they never did stuff like that; he refuses to be someone who needs to be cuddled because he can’t handle the truth.

Whatever truth there is.

He takes a step back and the look on Steve’s face nearly makes him want to step back, because he looks like a lost puppy that just lost his favourite chew toy – _and okay probably a bad comparison_ – but he can’t do this. He can’t pretend like everything is okay when there are so important things between them and suddenly he feels angry and he doesn’t know what’s going on with him because he knows that he never used to be one of those moody whiny Omegas the assholes complained about and this just isn’t himself.

“Clint, could you give us a moment?” Steve asks and he blond man locks his gaze with Bucky’s. It seems like he is trying to assess the situation if Bucky reads his look correctly – and now that his brain isn’t just trying to tell him who could pose a threat and who doesn’t he thinks he might be able to trust his judgement. Maybe not in all things but in this.

“Honestly, I don’t think that’s a good idea, Cap.” He says and Bucky thinks his eye might be twitching.

“So if you don’t plan on fucking right here, I’m just gonna get myself to the other side of the gym and stop listening.”

Bucky follows Clint with his eyes to another bench at the other side, where he takes something out of his ears and closes his eyes. He seems utterly unaware to the outside and Bucky isn’t sure if he trusts it or not.

“Can we talk?”

He looks down to where Steve has sat down– _and he’s really thankful it’s not the floor, he thinks he has seen and felt enough floors for the rest of his life_ – and then gets himself down there as well.

He leaves a bit distance between them even though he has this burning need in his veins to be close to his mate – _and maybe that’s why he’s going crazy, maybe he finally doesn’t have anything in his system and now his body is overreacting at the thought of his mate right beside him and Bucky isn’t sure if he should be happy that apparently that is working like it should be or if he should be annoyed_ – because it’s not helping,  not when they have to talk about important things, like what Steve is keeping from if – _if he is keeping something from him at all_ – and if he is sleeping with this Clint guy.

“Bucky?”

He snaps out of his thoughts and looks directly into Steve’s concerned eyes and he thinks he might have zoned out. But he thinks it might have been a better zoning out than usual, because he actually feels a bit clearer than before.

“Sorry.” He says and Steve smiles.

 

“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s me who needs to apologize.”

He crosses his arms over his chest and watches as Steve opens his mouth, rubs with his hand over his neck and then sighs.

“I just want to say that I am so so sorry, about what happened. I … I knew something was wrong and Tony, he wanted to hack the camera in your doctors office but I told him no, that the reports where enough, especially from someone with Bowen’s good reputation. I mean I talked to some other people, you know other experts because I just felt like something was wrong. And I wanted to ask Natasha but no one has heard from her in months. And everyone told me that it was a really uncommon treatment especially for someone with your… condition, but…” He stops speaking and Bucky uncrosses his arms.

He digs his fingers into his knees and looks down, then back up again. He isn’t sure if he understands what Steve is saying or not. No, that’s not right; he understands what Steve is saying he’s just not exactly sure what he’s supposed to answer to that.

“So you just decided to do nothing?” It comes out a lot harsher than he wants it to be, but he doesn’t know what to feel at the moment. If Steve knew... Why did it take him so long, why didn’t he got him out before the doubt had settled in?

“I just hoped that everything was fine, that it was just because your case is unique and... I… there are these new laws about Omega protection, following the ban on marital rape and domestic abuse and… I’m actually not allowed to talk to you at the moment because your Psychologist filed a report about his concern for your welfare.”

That makes so much sense. Bucky didn’t even thought about something like that – _mostly due to the fact that he didn’t know something like that was even possible_. Still, it’s not enough.

“And since when do you care about rules?”

Steve hesitates. He looks to Clint and Bucky feels another spike of jealousy – _which is still so stupid, because this is what’s important and not_ that _issue_.

“There’s an amendment to that law. It… it allows the authorities to… to take you into custody if they think your health might be in danger. And they would have seen it like that, if I would have got you out after Bowen filed that report. It’s not… It’s not like the authorities can do a lot of things against Stark and his lawyers but everyone who was in any way affiliated with Shield is on close watch and so far we have the public approval but if that changes... It’d be nearly impossible that it wouldn’t end in a catastrophe.”

Okay, that doesn’t sound like he likes it.

“So you’ve finally become the perfect Captain America everyone wanted you to be?”

“It’s not about that. It’s just … It’s not about me and you, there are other people in danger, so I had to do it behind everyone’s back.”

And this actually sounds like Steve, because sneaking around and doing what he isn’t allowed to do is definitely something Steve always did. Still… It still doesn’t feel _right_.

“What exactly did Bowen do to me?” He has to change the topic, he doesn’t want to talk about this, he doesn’t know what he thinks about it and it definitely doesn’t sit right with him because of this lingering feel in this gut that tells him that Steve is holding something back, that this whole behaviour just doesn’t make any sense.

Or maybe it’s just in his head. He has enough clarity to know that that that is probably the cause.

“At first we thought he was with the government, trying to recruit you for them but when you… I mean when we saw what had happened to you and how you reacted to different things, we reached out to … well to the new Shield and apparently they have a some kind of Hydra Asset which confirmed that Bowen is indeed Hydra. So… Bowen used a lot of manipulation, probably some of the stuff they used on you before and additionally there was this drug that slows your cognitive resonances or something. The one you didn’t take?”

“How did you know I didn’t take it?”

Steve goes silent.

“Don’t tell me there was a camera in that bathroom.”

“There might have been a camera.”

Now there is definitely a nerve twitching above his eye. He was in the army and he doesn’t want to think about the stuff that happened during his time with Hydra, so he has probably not a lot of shame left but having random unknown people spying on him, that’s where he draws the line.

“Which only I watched, of course and only after I knew you were out of the shower and dressed.”

Oh, well he can live with that. It’s not like Steve hasn’t already seen everything there can be seen.

“For which I also apologize of course, just because I’m your mate doesn’t mean that I’m allowed to intrude in such private moments.”

“Like brushing my teeth’s and not taking medication I’m supposed to take?” Thinking about it, he realises how ridiculous it sounds because he and Steve practically shared everything since they were kids and there never had been any problem. Huh, that memory casts a totally new light on the situation.

“Yes.”

“What the fuck happened to you, we never had any personal boundaries.”

“You remember that.” Steve says.

“Might be a good moment to ask him how much he remembers, if you ask me!” Clint’s voice comes from the other end of the room and Bucky is moments away from just killing him when Steve turns around.

“Might be a good moment for you, to stop lip-reading, asshole.”

Clint looks up from Steve’s mouth and then smiles widely. He closes his eyes again and leans his head back to give them the impression he isn’t spying on them, but Bucky decides to let him live for the moment.

“So, answer my question.”

“I just don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. Because- Because of you know.”

Bucky blinks.

Steve fidgets.

And then it dawns on him.

“No.”

“Bucky.” Steve says.

“We are not talking about this. I do not feel uncomfortable with you around, I mean hell I didn’t run away screaming a few weeks ago, when I was in heat.”

“But you didn’t remember then. That’s something I’m also sorry for, I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.”

“Stop apologizing!” And now he’s getting really angry. Wonderful. This was not what he had intended.

“You didn’t do that after you got me out of that German Base in ’43 so stop doing it now. It’s not like it was different then, they just didn’t fry my brain afterwards.”

“Bucky…” Steve begins and he looks really pained like he can’t believe Bucky is talking about himself like that – _it shouldn’t be anything new he had never cried about what happened he had always dealt with it like this_.

“There’s nothing you need to apologize for. There-“ He stops. “Okay, maybe there is.”

Steve looks up and now that Bucky thinks about it he might know one of the reasons for his ridiculous behaviour.

“Why the hell didn’t you look for me?”

And it’s out. The one question he has been asking himself for the past few hours, the one thing he had wanted to know when he was lying on Zola’s table.

Steve looks shocked. In a matter of seconds different emotions go over his face and Bucky realises it’s Regret, Shame, Guilt.

“Oh my god, are you still not done?!” It’s Clint again, this time standing right beside them. If there’s one person who’s going to win the award for the most annoying guy ever, it’s definitely going to be him.

He’s putting something in his ears at the moment. Hearing-aids, Bucky realises and then Clint puts one hand on each of their shoulders.

“Okay let me clarify that for you. Barnes, Rogers didn’t look for you because he thought you were dead so he went on a revenge rampage, killed everyone in his way and planted himself with an airplane in the water, in the hope that he would die. Which obviously didn’t happen.”

Bucky only realises that Steve is waving his hands at Clint frantically when he looks at him. And he doesn’t know what he looks like but Steve swallows and Clint finally stopped talking.

_Steve didn’t look for him because he was…_

“You did what?” He asks surprisingly calm and Steve shrugs a little helpless.

“I had killed Schmidt, and there were these bombs that I needed to take care of so I had to put the plane down anyway. And… I mean you were dead. Or I thought you were. So… there wasn’t a good reason for me to try and get out.”

“Hm.” Bucky makes and this time he thinks his voice might sound a bit high pitched. He’s going through so many emotions at the moment, his head is starting to hurt but-

“Are you out of your goddamn mind?!” He nearly jumps to his feet and Steve actually slides a bit back.

“You had your whole life in front of you and you just threw it away because I was dead?!”

“It’s not like it was worth living without you!”

. . .

He doesn’t have any words. He doesn’t know what exactly he should say to that, besides that is exactly what he wanted to hear – _even though he didn’t know that before_ –  and exactly the thing he would have done himself but it was still stupid and Steve still needs a goddamn leash.

He crosses gazes with Steve who smiles and he finds himself smiling back.

“God you’re so cute. Okay, Barnes, anything else you want to know from Rogers?”

What, wait. Clint. Right, he is still there.

“Why did you look sad, when I remembered something?” He asks and okay, now that he said it, it really sounds stupid and how could he ever believe a single word Bowen told him.

“Bucky, I-“ Steve begins but Clint puts a hand on his mouth. Not good. Bucky glares at him and Clint takes it back slowly.

“Let me do this, yeah. You and your words are not really what’s helpful at the moment.” Then he turns his head around to Bucky and smiles.

“So, Barnes. Rogers was feeling awful every time you remembered something because someone – _hint it was me, because I found the things and I looked at it and I’m really sorry by the way_ – that Hydra really did a number on you. Yes I’m talking about the stuff you obviously don’t want to talk about. So … he feared that you would only remember the bad stuff and with every memory you got closer to that and he didn’t want you to suffer etc. Honestly it wasn’t really as bad as it sounds he was just worried and being whiny about it.”

“I was not-“

“What do you mean you found stuff?”

“There were tapes.” Steve said and _no, no, he can’t do this_.

“Tell me… tell me you didn’t watch them.”

“I didn’t.”

“I wouldn’t let him.” Clint says. “I watched one and then I fast forded the other ones because we were looking for leads and then I put them somewhere he won’t find them.”

Bucky feels like he can breathe again. Steve didn’t watch them. Steve didn’t see it and he never would.

“Everything okay?” Clint asks and takes a step back.

“Because if we’re done here I’m gonna go and find Wilson because I bet he was a lot more successful than you two and you can… I don’t know, do whatever it is old people do.”

And with that the door closes.

 

“Bucky?” Steve asks and Bucky is shaking his head. Now it definitely hurts and he closes his eyes but that’s not helping either because he’s thinking and with every thought there are memories going through his head and there are so many of them and honestly he isn’t sure if he wants them because he has absolutely no idea how to deal with them.

“Bucky, please.“ Steve says and he feels Steve’s hand around his metallic one and he tries to breathe to clear his head but it’s not helping.

“Tell me what to do, I know you feel betrayed and unsure and I’m sorry that I made you feel that way. But we can fix this.”

And now he looks up because Steve words are ridiculous. As if he can fix him. As if there is anything left to be fixed.

“How are you gonna fix my fried brain, Stevie? Hm? Because I don’t feel like … Bucky. Like… myself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I remember. I remember a lot actually, a lot of really stupid stuff but it doesn’t feel like they’re my memories. It feels like I’m watching a movie of something I did a hundred years ago, but it doesn’t feel like I’ve _done_ it.”

Steve is quite for a long time and Bucky manages to open his eyes and look up and when he sees Steve’s face, he has this look of determination on his face.

The same look he had every time they decided to attack a Hydra compound, when everyone knew that they should die doing that, because there were too many of them.

“No, Steve. This is not another impossible challenge to overcome, it’s a lost cost. You- you did enough for me.”

“Didn’t you say a minute ago that I left you and that I should’ve done more?”

He did. Damn it, he did. It’s not like he forgot, it’s just… he didn’t think about it, so the other memories were too much.

“Exhibit one, my minds a sieve.”

Steve shrugs. “I can live with that.”

“You deserve better.”

“That’s my decision.”

“I don’t-“ He tries to continue the sentence. He wants to tell Steve that he doesn’t want him, that Steve should get himself someone better, someone who’s full of life and not like this…

But that’s not what he wants. He doesn’t want Steve to leave him. He doesn’t want Steve to find someone else.

He wants to be with him, he thinks. He wants to feel again, what he remembers feeling in those memories – _that one happy memory after the doctor’s appointment before he remembered how fucked up everything was_.

“Steve…” He starts, even though he has absolutely no idea how to continue the sentence and then Steve jumps a little and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a phone and reads whatever there is on there.

“They got Bowen, he’s in his lab, waiting for transport- Do you want to… I mean do you want to go up there?”

He wants, he wants to see the man who tried to ruin him, who tried to make him into that thing again.

He nods and Steve gets up. Like Sam, Steve stretches his hand out and Bucky takes it to. Their hands linger, the feeling of Steve’s big hands on his being something he really likes. They look at each other, and Bucky realises that Steve is unsure if he should keep his hand where it is or if it makes Bucky uncomfortable, so Bucky makes a decision – _a good one he hopes_ – and intertwines their fingers.

It makes him feel jittery, like holding Steve’s hand is the best thing in the world and when Steve looks at him, it damn well could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said „I will hopefully update sooner than this time”? Well here we are three months later… yeah I know. Just for the record, it actually took me less than three days to write this. I just needed two months to get my ass to actually open the word document. And then it took me about two weeks of editing at work because I couldn’t find a quiet minute – working ten hours a days is not recommended. Like ever.
> 
> But yay, it’s done. And for everyone thinking “what the hell, why isn’t Bucky fixed?”: This was never about fixing him. This was about guiding him in the right direction.
> 
> (And it was not easy. Remember when I complained that his POV was really hard to write? Chapter 3 Bucky was a nightmare. Like, switching from one mood to another, jumping to conclusions based on limited knowledge, yeah never again.)
> 
> But good news. There might be a Part 3. Or there will be a Part 3, I just don’t know how many people are gonna wait for me to finish it. ;)
> 
> You have anything to say and you don’t wanna do it on ao3? [ Here’s ](http://www.everknowing.tumblr.com) my tumblr.


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